Rooms Within Me
This morning I woke up feeling... heavy. Not for any big reason. Nothing dramatic happened. It's just one of those mornings where everything inside feels a little cluttered - thoughts piled on top of each other, emotions mixing like a low hum.
So it got me thinking - there are so many versions of me that exist inside and each one seems to have its own space. Like I'm made up of tiny rooms, and everyday I move through them without realising it. Not physical rooms, but spaces in my mind and heart where different feelings, memories, and parts of who I live.
Some rooms are warm and familiar. The ones where I feel calm, happy, steady, and maybe even proud of myself. I like being there. Other rooms are harder. There's one where I keep things I haven't fully processed- old disappointments, words I wish I hadn't said. That room? I try not to go there too often.
But I know those rooms are part of me too. All these rooms exist together, and I can't only live in comfortable ones and pretend the rest don't exist. Life doesn't really work like that, does it?
Some days, I wake up and I'm already standing in a room that makes me uneasy. And I'll carry that with me through the day - a weight I can't quite name. Other days, I find myself in a lighter space. I smile more easily, I'm kinder to myself. I remember that not everything needs fixing right away.
The hard part is not judging where I am. Not telling myself "I should feel better" or "I shouldn't be thinking about that again". The truth is, I'm human. I move through all kinds of feeling, all kinds of rooms and that's okay. Being human means feeling all of it, moving through all of it.
Today, I don't really which room I'm in. It's not a dark one, but it's not exactly bright either. It feels like a hallway. Like I'm in between. Not quite here or there.
I'm trying to just notice where I am. Not force myself to feel something else. Not rush into a different headspace. Just.... notice. Breathe. Maybe clean up a little if I can. Maybe light a metaphoric candle in the room I'm in, even if it's messy.
So that's me today - sitting one of those quiet, in-between rooms. And trying to be gentle while I'm here.
Images are mine
I get that feeling so well. Not particularly feeling sad but not happy either. I once had a conversation with a friend where he called it emptiness, but I didn't think it was that deep.
One thing I've learnt is to just exist in those moments and not dwell on them. Because for all we know, it could even be some hormonal triggers, lol.
It's strange how familiar that in-between feeling is, right? I used to overthink it and try to name it - sadness, emptiness, anxiety. But sometimes it really just.... a passing fog. Not heavy enough to pin down but still enough to dull everything a little.
I like what you said about just existing in it. That's what I've been trying to do too. And yes, maybe hormones do have a secret agenda we'll never fully understand, lol.
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts
It's okay to be not okay, it happens sometimes and we can never change the past but we can change our present.
You're right. Accepting that it's okay not to be okay has taken me time, but it really does bring peace. The past can't be changed but the present some softness, some choice
Thanks for the reminder