THE WEIGHT OF UNMET EXPECTATIONS

hello and welcome to another week in the scifi-multiverse community weekly prompt week 10 "Science of Self Review" my name is @rishagamo.

I don't seem to remember a specific dream career I had as a child; I was more or less a clueless child moving with the flow. I guess no one ever picked an interest in what my dreams were or what I wanted to become in the future.

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Growing up, I was always compared to my elder brother by our teachers since my elder brother was not so much older than me, we practically had the same teachers, as he was only my senior by a year in school, and my mum would always sing it to my ears with any chances she got that my elder brother was more intelligent than I was, and it was easier for them to teach him because he had a better understanding than myself this was our teachers testimonials about us, this made me a bit relax and felt I cannot do better than my brother, whatever it was that he is good at I was fine being average within it. This also made me a mirror of my brother, trying to fit into his standards, I can say it helped me a lot as I learned nearly every important thing I know today from my brother, the other negative thing that might have come out from this was the fact that it made me an angry person, I loved my mother so much but I didn't like her that much, I usually felt like she loved my brother more and I will need to work towards gaining her love. It was as if he was her pride and I was just some looser child.

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My brother was too nonchalant about the whole situation, he was a playful child and didn't pay attention to what they were saying.
After my Junior secondary school, it was time for me to select among these three sciences, arts or commercial classes; my decision was sone worth influenced by my dad because he usually mentioned he didn't want any of us to go for the sciences, and I didn't like the arts. Being the obedient child of my father, I decided to go for the commercial class. Another person who influenced me then was my closest friend in my junior school whose father worked at the Central Bank of Nigeria, he wanted to become an accountant and because of his dreams and the fact that I had no idea of what I wanted to be I decided to be an accountant will be good for me but at another point in my life, I also met another friend who was able to convince me that an economist was more versatile and more important than an accountant and will work anywhere and can even become the Governor of the central bank, this was the point in my life that I had my first dream, which was to be the governor of the CBN, which is a dream still not forgotten.

With the comments I got from my teachers from my primary education, I became timid and lost self-confidence. I see myself as having average intelligence, and I have heard people tell me how brilliant I am, but I usually feel it is hype from people; although I am sometimes impressed by my abilities, I still feel little about myself most of the time.
What I love most about myself is what is holding me back, it gives me great joy to be able to assist another person in need, I can't see someone in need and turn a blind eye to the person's need, I always want to make others happy, although it is funny how humans will also want to have the feeling of entitlement whenever they start getting unmerited favor from others.

Today I remain timid and lack self-confidence due to the influence of comparing myself to my older brother and the constant difference in treatment I get from my family indicating my intelligence and brilliance were inferior in comparison to my brother, although today I understand my strength better I still feel the smallest in any room and I am always in self-doubt in strong need of validation in all circumstances it will take me to get used to a surrounding and study it before I get comfortable and confident, which is strongly affecting me as I hardly do well in interviews even when I might stand out as the best candidate. I have tried so much and still trying to overcome this challenge, reading books like the Bible and The Six Pillars of Self-esteem by Nathaniel Branden and listening to podcasts like the School of Greatness podcast hosted by Lewis Howes which both have helped me so well to understand the importance of self-confidence, how being confident of self can take you anywhere and I am hoping to get to the point where I will fill the tallest in every room I go into with my fully kitted confidence.

I am more celebrated by my both parents because I am more of a serious child and my brother remained not too serious with life, I guess he had the idea that since he learned things easily, he would always find things very easy for him. He is the winner of the trophy for the unserious in our household.

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