Finding My Way Back To Me
Each passing day I keep ignoring the truth, not because I don’t know it but because I kept feeling that others deserve better. I really do owe myself an apology, a sincere apology for not always choosing me, for not loving myself the way I ought to, for letting other people’s opinion of me determine how I treat myself, for not speaking up for myself when I should and for always shrinking in just to fit into people’s life.
I kept pondering about how I have lost myself all this while, and I just realized it all started during my upbringing, I guess I learnt it the wrong way. Right from when I was a kid my grandma taught me to always be kind to others, to be nice to people, to consider others first, to seek the opinion of others when trying to do something. There were all good advice right, ohh yes! But I guess it practiced it the wrong way, I guess I lost my own self while trying to heed to this advice.
And so all these traits grew in me till now but I am trying to get myself back together, it is now I truly understand why people say that “too much of everything is not good” you can never do enough for people, some people won’t even acknowledge it , so why waste the time and energy on trying to make others okay.
I just realized that I have always showed up for people many times but people barely notice when I need that too. You know it really hurt when you put in so much effort for others but when it is your turn everyone seems to turn a blind eye, they just feel you are strong and you will be okay but deep down you know that you are trying so hard to show up strong because that is the only option you have left.
I have been nicer to people but never nice to myself, I care a lot about people but care less about myself, it is not like I really expect anything in return from people but I just remembered that I am human too , I've been living in the shadows of others for far too long.
Every day, I wake up and put on a smile, pretending that everything is fine. But the truth is, I'm tired, I'm tired of always putting others first, tired of seeking validation from people who barely notice me, I'm tired of being kind to everyone else but myself.
And so today and ever, I promise to choose me, I know it is not so easy but it is necessary, I am learning to set boundaries, to say no without feeling guilty, to prioritize my own needs.
I just hope I am not being selfish by choosing me over again I am just learning to value who I am. I just want the inner me to feel comfortable just like I make others feel. I do not want to wear the mask of fake smiles anymore, I just want to be me.
But in all, my fears right now is, I just hope I won’t do it the wrong way this time around. To everyone who is battling with this too, I hope you find the courage to choose you, to love you and to be kind to yourself first , to always show up for yourself today, tomorrow and ever.
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