Let Go of the Need to Be Understood by a Narcissist

I used to think that if I just explained myself clearly enough the right words would finally get through to someone who kept twisting every conversation. I would rehearse what I wanted to say, try to stick to facts and think I could out-logic the situation.

It always turned into something else.

You start to realize there are people who do not care about the truth at all, they only care about being seen a certain way. Every action serves that goal. They will shape reality itself if it helps them avoid being ordinary or s liar, and when you watch closely, you see how quick they are to change the story, how nothing ever sticks to them.

Yep, I'm talking about a narcissist.

There’s a debate about whether they can change if you confront them. Some people argue for compassion or calling out bad behavior with patience, others say it is pointless. It seems both sides miss something important here when dealing with a narcissist, there is no solution in confrontation if the person has no interest in self-reflection.

I have tried to reason with someone like this and ended up doubting my own memory of events. Yeah, a couple of times I leave the conversation feeling small, or worse, guilty for bringing up the problem. That is not how it should work. If someone never says “I see what you mean,” or “I hurt you and I get it,” what’s left to say. You might as well have not started a conversation with them in the first place.

Anyways, there is this idea that you can ask them this one question that can actually get them to break more than confrontation.

What would you do if you could never impress anyone again?

I tried one time and I can tell you that it cuts through the act. If you watch them, there’s always that moment where they do not have an answer. They might laugh or try to make it your problem, bam! That’s part of the pattern. But you can still see the confusion and for a second the mask slips.

What happens when you stop giving them the attention they live for, what do they become then.

I will keep giving the same answer or solution to dealing with them. The hardest part is learning to detach, not as a way of punishing them but for your own peace. When you no longer react or explain their power fades away.

No need for arguments or closure that will never come, you get your sanity back.

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