Keeping conversations positive AND real when shit isn't all positive
Sometimes I wonder how much people are saying exactly what it is that they mean to say, and how much is a result of cultivated patterns.
Sometimes I find myself focusing on things I don't want to focus on when having a conversation with someone who doesn't have much to say. I may care about this person and want to express it to them despite not having seen them for a long time, or despite not staying in touch all that much.
I want to apologize for not reaching out to them and somehow that morphs into me discussing how tired I've been or how much or a struggle things have been, because if things were easier, I would undoubtedly go meet them more often.
I try not to fall into this pattern, or similarly negative patterns with people but I did twice this week.
The first was when visiting a friends exhibition and seeing her for the first time in 2 years. We've talked about collaborating three times already, and I feel like such a bullshiter if I tell her I still want to collaborate, but I do! It's just that my life conditions haven't really allowed it.
I feel she probably understands that, but the fact that she is rather introverted and not great at starting conversations, makes me want to lead the conversation, but I don't have many places to take it because it's been so long and we have had exactly two incredible conversations, so there is a desire to recreate those conversations even though the conditions aren't conducive.
The second time I did that was with a friend from America who comes to visit every year. We don't talk a lot but we have a lot of respect for each other. He is very analytical, he's a PhD and sometimes talks like one, although he has a high EQ and appreciates creativity and unique ways of approaching life.
In order to go deeper and share with him how I'm doing, I have to present certain experiences which I don't really want to talk about. It's not that they are emotionally difficult for me, I welcome the challenge of looking at my shadow. It's that I've had to describe these kinds of things to so many people so many times and so much of it invites suggestions about how I should live my life because everyone wants to help.
I'd rather not tell people my problems, but then they won't understand why I haven't acted on certain desires or carried out certain plans and so that creates more things I can't talk about.
In the end if I want to go really deep with them and they are the kind of person that likes to analyze and discuss things like an academic might (even if they are much more sensitive to others and more fun while doing it), it's very difficult to avoid talking about these things.
The truth is I really want to maintain a close relationship with both of these beautiful people, so I will try to share as much as I can with them, and I will avoid filtering out large parts of my life from our conversations. But I think I've got to only bother to do this with people who I value a whole lot and want to keep in my life for decades.
It's not to say I want to hide anything or have to hide anything from anyone. It's just that some explanations are too long, and sometimes peoples experiences are too different so that what should be a 5 minute conversation becomes a 2 hour one.
I will not keep distance with anyone, but perhaps with those people who ask a lot of questions, I will try to keep things lighter or playful unless I think that they are serious about having a long-term friendship with me.
Even though I did not enjoy every part of my conversation with either of them (on a whole it was great), I think those parts of the conversation were important because these are important people to me, and I want our relationships to survive distance and hardships.
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You did well by trying to always raise conversations
Once I see people who don’t know how to converse, it makes me feel like I’m forcing myself on them so I don’t bother to move forward but I may be wrong cos they may be very sad and not able to talk much
I find it hard to start conversations in general. I definitely get trying to be positive when you feel like everything around you is falling apart as well. It can be hard.
Right? Many people like to have company when things are hard but I prefer to be by myself, even though I like people. It's easier to face my problems when I don't need to repeat them over and over