Suspended Between Courage and Collapse

Sometimes there comes a time in life when we feel helpless. We feel nervous without any reason and for me, this feeling is most felt when I am near heights whether it is the terrace of a building a small staircase of a mountain or a simple class elevator where I look down from above. A strange breaking feeling comes and I feel like I have lost my senses. My hands get heavy and I have difficulty in breathing and only one thing goes on in my mind. What if I fall?

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I know that everyone is afraid of something or the other. But when this fear affects a person's decision-making and daily life, then it becomes difficult to take it lightly when I used to save myself from Roller coasters and Ferris in my childhood, people used to laugh and think that it was a fear, but I do not understand that this is not a fear but a phobia.

It is not just a physical reaction. It causes mental trauma as well and when I am told to stop thinking and enjoy the view, I feel that casting is so easy and for me, the priority is to enjoy the view in the moment and to come out safely from there. And fear is so deep inside me just by thinking about the heights. Sometimes the hurt increases and I try to have a little more courage every day, control my fear a little more and I know that if I keep suffering from it every time then this fear will keep deepening in me and Sindhi is small. But you have to live every moment, even if it is standing on a hill and controlling your fear.

When I was young, I did not even know that this feeling that I get when I go to the stairs of a building or stand near someone's big bridge is a phobia I used to feel that I was weak or that I aam different but as I grew up I understood that everyone has some kind of acrophobia and acrophobia i.e. fear of heights is such a physiological condition in which the person is afraid not only of seeing the physical height but is even afraid of the thought of height.

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I remember once on a school trip we were taken to a fort and everyone was taking photos as expected. Everyone was enjoying the view but I was standing quietly in a corner. Controlling my breath and just looking down I felt as if my ground had slipped away and finally darkness had surrounded my eyes and I was just thinking that somehow I should come down from here and that trip also became a drama for me and from that day I started avoiding to going on the school trip.

Phobia has the biggest impact on your experience and I have often wanted to go to the top of a mountain and watch the sunset secretly. It is like enjoying the view but this phobia stops me and this fear keeps me away from the hospital. Where I want to feel and when people talk to me about their height experiences then I keep quiet because I feel that my story will become just a joke like theirs.

But I also know that living with fear is not an option and I keep making small efforts and go from the stars to the terrace. Sometimes I wait a little near the railing of the balcony and every time I take a step forward, I feel that I have achieved a small direction. This was a victory, not to show off, but a big puddle for me and sometimes I just stand on the territory for 10 seconds. It feels like an achievement and I also understand that this phobia is not just a logical condition. It is also an emotional journey and if you are afraid of something then your confidence gradually starts decreasing and you are not even open with people you pass your emotions and gradually that fear becomes a part of you and perhaps that is why therapy and emotional support can be very helpful in this.

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When I see people getting excited about their height adventure, I get inspired and think that one day I will also reach such heights, although I will never be able to jump with a parachute and i want to stand on the peak of a mountain with my family and see the sunset view from there. That day will not be a travel achievement for me but an emotional victory. This phobia is a part of me but not my identity and I want to grow up like this every small victory, and every little courage is making me open up and maybe this journey can be long. But I am ready and there is a way to fight the pain in front of it.

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.
RANJAN02

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