Structure... and Chaos
I can't help but think that it was a very early indication that I might be "mildly autistic" that I was always looking for a very structured environment when I was a little kid. That is to say, I struggled extensively with anything that was random and unstructured, and I would get terribly upset if we suddenly had to leave and do something I didn't know about in advance.
Then again, maybe it's just the case that some people prefer structure while other people like spontaneity and change, in the moment. I sincerely don't know. I just know that I like things to be structured and planned.
What I also do know, is that there has never been a time in my life when I was not trying to bring order to any kind of chaos around me; in my immediate surroundings, even in the greater world. Or I would attempt to organize even just plain old disorderliness.
I found myself pondering this earlier this afternoon because I suddenly realized that it was a bit ironic that — even though I did grow up in a pretty structured and tidy environment — all my relationships as an adult have been with rather disorganized individuals, including with a couple of outright hoarders.
I can actually remember my mother saying — when I was maybe 9 or 10 — that she really disliked messy and disorganized houses because there was "nowhere peaceful to rest your eyes." In retrospect that statement makes a lot more sense today because I feel much the same, myself. My mother was definitely a neatfreak!
But it also feels like an uphill battle because life, itself, seems to be perpetually disorganized and chaotic. And some people might even argue that it is folly to even attempt to corral any of this chaos. In other words, I'm just wasting my time!
It is an interesting — and at times troublesome — dynamic if you are basically dysfunctional when there is chaos everywhere. Without a doubt, it's one of the reasons I did not do well in the IT industry when I worked there. Everything was constantly fluid and in motion and you could be starting in one direction in the morning and heading in the opposite direction by mid afternoon. Or by 10 minutes from now.
So, am I afraid of not having control over things?
Not exactly. What makes me anxious is knowing that I have a very long learning curve when it comes to new things, so if I am thrown into situations that are sudden and unexpected it usually takes me too long to adapt to them for my adaptation to be useful to anybody. And I might even get yelled at for being too slow.
That might not be significant on a personal level, but it is definitely significant in a workplace context.
Thanks for stopping by and have a great remainder of your week!
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2026.04.07 00:59 PST
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