Think Fast
I can't quite remember what it was, but something happened to me the other day that gave me the idea for this post. Luckily, although I don't remember the specific incident, I wrote down some of the highlights in my Google Keep notes so that I should at least be able to present you something cohesive. If I had to guess, I was probably thinking about my nieces and nephews and how I hope that one day they remember a bit of wisdom I gave them or something that they know I used to enjoy and it makes them smile.
The problem is, I don't really feel like I have the capacity to impart that kind of wisdom on them. While I consider myself pretty smart, I would never categorize myself as quick witted. Yes, I know a little bit about a whole lot of things, but if you put me in a social situation, I'm not the guy that is going to have a quick comeback or charismatic presence.
I'm sure everyone has had that occasion where they are in a conversation, then later at night they think about all the things they should have said. That's literally me every conversation. I'll be driving home after whatever event and suddenly think "I should have said...." You know that saying it's a blessing and a curse? This is definitely just a curse.
The problem is, I've always been like that. For some reason, I just am not able to pick up on social cues very well. Which in and of itself isn't a big deal, and it doesn't mean that I am doomed, but paired with the lack of a quick wit, it makes social interactions very difficult. Let me paint a scenario for you (true story incoming). Let's say I find myself at a professional conference. It's lunch time and I find an empty table to sit down at to eat, because heaven forbid I sit at a full table and actually have to make conversation.
So there I am sitting and eating my lunch when someone else comes along and asks if all the empty seats at my table are available. I say absolutely, help yourself. I then proceed to sit and finish my lunch without uttering a single word to the person who sat down at my table.
Pretty sad right?
I truly believe that all of us have a social battery and mine needs to be pretty close to full for me to be able to function in situations like that. On the other hand, give me a couple glasses of whiskey and I probably won't shut up.
Which clearly points to the problem being with some inherent or underlying inhibition that keeps me from being able to make those interactions "unlubricated".
I know this probably seems like a bunch of disparate topics, but I really feel they are all interconnected on some level. My brother in law is pretty amazing when it comes to things like public speaking and interacting with people. It's like he is a natural, and while that might be true at some level, I also know he attended the Dale Carnegie classes at one point in his life.
I occasionally wonder if something like that would make a difference for me. I also wonder if my awkwardness is tied to some kind of self preservation on my part. I remember in grade school I would often get ridiculed for making comments that seemed to be off topic to the other kids, but in my mind there was a unique connection to the actual topic that was being discussed.
Perhaps my current inability to small talk is the result of a defense mechanism I unknowingly created. If you don't talk to people, they can't make fun of you. Right?
Ultimately, if my nieces and nephews only remember me for how much I loved them versus some amazing thing I said, then it doesn't really matter anyway, but I still find myself trapped in the memories of all the things I should have said.
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I guess we can all write books with occasions where you afterwards think "I should have said ...".
I also don't like to be social in many cases. I am a happy lone ranger. Strange thing is that I do have the label to very social, while I rather al alone or with my family or close friends.
It's funny how that works doesn't it? I think people around me know I am pretty introverted.
The fact that socializing comes easier to you when you've had a few drinks tells me you're better at socializing than you realize but something is impeding you from being your true self in certain social situations. Sometimes certain scenarios can trigger fear/anxiety/self-consciousness. It's like the trigger sparks memories of past trauma that we have to play out again and again. I had a bad experience in grade school when I had to recite a book report in front of the class. I froze up there and that stayed with me for a long, long time. Practice is the only thing that helped me overcome it. I'm think I'm good at socializing now and making small talk and can speak in public but it's not my favorite thing to do.
If I had to guess, the biggest part is that I don't feel mature enough. I feel like my talking is all over the place and not refined. I can't organize my thoughts well. Probably due to the ADHD. I think another part of it is that I don't care about the benign stuff that most people talk about with small talk. Except the weather. I seem to be good at that now that I am almost 50!
I see. Mine was more low self-esteem, I think, when I was younger.
I have been in such situation also where most important points I skipped in the very right moment, and back at base I have numerous thoughts on every problem solving skills I would have said. So I can say for a facts it do happen. @bozz
I'm glad it's not just me!
I'm more social than I used to be. Here we are chatting on Hive when we would not have met without it. I'm not too bad in face to face situations as I just try to get along with folk. You often find they have something interesting to say.
And if they don't, no loss.
I had a conversation with a women at work who went into absolute detail about how she dismantled a bunk bed for someone who popped over to pick it up via a Marketplace purchase. Then my husband, knowing I was bored shitless, wound up by keeping that conversation going, asking her trivial details which kept the conversation going. I will never get that 15 minutes back.
Well there are people who could bore for a living and I've met plenty. I just hope that's not what others think of me :)
Well, I'm sure if you start talking about Hive... 😅😅😅
Oh, I do much better typing online than I do face to face.
That's what she said....?
I think you are not alone in this - 5 million Finns... :D
However. it does point to the issue not being "you" and more about some kind of psychological block of some kind. Which also means it is likely possible to overcome it with the right practice. So, is anyone really an introvert or extravert, or is it just the role they play?
Yeah, that very well could be. I think as I said in another comment I might be worried about coming off as immature or not adult enough. Though that has been something I always had an issue with. A few weeks ago I wrote a post about not feeling like an adult.
!pimp
I think this is really really common. Every now and then I absolutely nail it in conversations and other times I will think of what I should have said later, in the shower, or while strugging once again to get to sleep. Often for me it is something charming I should or could have said to a girl I found attractive, but you don't have this issue because you are married. I am extremely confident and charismatic once I have had a few hours to think of something witty and creative to say to a beautiful woman
I probably used to be the same way, but then you run the risk of the conversation not going the way you had planned when you plan it all out like that. It's probably one of the biggest things I wish I could change about myself.
I think that a person just needs to be willing to fail at their wit every now and then but then again maybe don't swing for the fences with people being as sensitive as they are these days. I sometimes think about the things I used to say to mostly girls when I was in my early 20's and that sort of stuff really wouldn't fly today. Times have changed, that's for sure.
The last time I was in the States I was warned by some friends about how "you can't say that" about a lot of things. I wasn't even being offensive in my own eyes but according to them I was out of line. We aren't so sensitive over here... not sure exactly what changed.
Yeah, I need to get out of my head a bit more. I remember a while ago I used the word oriental and my sister in law about had a stroke. I didn't realize it was so offensive at the time. She said it's Asian. I said oh so they are from India? Well no... oh so they are from Saudi Arabia? No... Russia? No again.... I'm just like, Asia is a pretty dang big continent... Needless to say, I don't say oriental anymore unless I am talking about a rug.
Oriental is offensive? wow... that's news to me!
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