THE VOICE BEHIND UNSPOKEN WORDS

Hello everyone your welcome to my blog today

On the first day the weight of unspoken words hit down on me really hard, was the day I was sitting outside the house at the back of the kitchen with my brother David, he was on his phone and at the same time throwing little stones to our legs. I wanted to open my mouth to talk but I just couldn't get the words out it just hung in the air like the clouds where.

David was someone I grow up with and I've come to know him as one who doesn't indulge silence he talks about everything and anything he talks about life , school, work and whatever comes to mind he has a lot of big plans and it seems like everything is actually falling in place for him. And in the middle of all this I felt left out why do I feel left out ? I was scared of opening up and telling him that and I felt like I was fading into the shadows gradually.

Fast forward to 2 years later David had left by this time he got a better opportunity and the traveled out of the country for work. We all missed him I missed him a lot he didn't have time for the kind of communication that we had it wasn't too dramatic or anything but the communication kept dying down and then I always had hope for the day I would see him again and see my brothers smiling face as we reunited.

My mother was not left out in the whole drama, ever since we lost my dad who died from stroke which he had for over 17 years my mom is a woman of little words she locked up. She threw herself into daily activities I would say we all have different ways of grieving. She put in her all herself into paying our bills making sure we have food ,paying our school fees and every other thing than made comfortable for us.
I have always wanted to ask my mom, Are you okay mom ? Do you need to rest? Do you want to talk to me about something . Most of the time I just think about this things in my head and I don't find the courage to say it out . I just learn from her and throw myself into my school work and improving my skills too bottling up the unspoken words within us.

My mom and I developed the assumption habit we always assumed that everything was fine between us, she always assumed that I love her and I appreciate her sacrifice yes I do I see how she looks at me when I dress every morning for work and say take care of yourself at that point I want to say I love you mom and I appreciate everything you do for us just don't be too hard on yourself. But the words still don't come out. At some point when I got my own apartment and I had to move out I saw my mom crying for the first time she held , me and told me to be good she said I would always call you I knew she wouldn't or but deep down we will miss each other.

My friend Amanda believe in speaking out she wasn't born in a family where everyone had to adapt to keeping silent, and swallowing up their words she believed in saying things the way they were and that made our stay quite uncomfortable for me it made the silence more obvious between us . Because she wanted to talk and I just sat there looking at her battling with voices in my head.

Most times when she asked me how are you ? Are you okay ? Are you happy ? I'll always say yes I'm fine and I'm happy even though most times that wasn't true . I was going through a lot but how do I say to her I rather keep silent. I tried to avoid our meetings and hang out and when she reached out and asked I covered up with work and life and she tapped my shoulders and said you know you can always talk to me when you're not okay I smiled and said in my head I wish I could.

One day we went out to have lunch and Amanda was sitting right in front of me and she told me why don't you ever let people in you, you let people override you when you know you're not being treated right. It seems you are here us but at the same time it seems you are not here with us.

It was on a Thanksgiving weekend and I traveled back home to see my mom we were in the kitchen making a pot of stew with chicken when the oil splashed on her hand instead of being hurt she laughed and told me I wish I asked for your help earlier, I wish i let you in early.we laughed so hard the kind of laughter that we have not heard in the house for years since I lost my dad.

Later on that night lying down in my bed and looking at my ceiling fan which was making weird noises, i picked up my phone and it was 2:00 a.m. I sent my brother David a message and told him that he's leaving hurt me so much and it's put me in so much loneliness but I couldn't just tell him because I didn't want to be selfish.

The truth remains that the words we say and the words we do not say shape us into who we are and who will become in the future. I am learning to always speak up when I'm supposed to and to keep silent when it is right to keep silent.

Thank you for stopping by my blog today