I don't want to be here anymore

Hi everyone, it Abeegail again. Welcome to my blog. I came a across a video of a guy who said his tired of being alive and I was shocked to find out that not only me feels this way. Life is beautiful, there are wonderful places to go and even better people to meet, don't get me wrong but it's just that there's always something going on, always something to get done, something to do, it's always something.

I mean this in the most non-suicidal way but I'm genuinely tired of being here. I'm just tired of minor inconveniences, always going through stuff. Sometimes it gets tiring, even as humans, there's a point where we can't, and I've reached my breaking point, call me weak or coward, but I'm genuinely tired. People don't admit it because they don't want to come off as ungrateful, for the life they have, and you'll hear things like well "you have things going well for you", "other people have it worse. I hate hearing phrases like this, I know they are just making me see the bright side but, I may not have worse than them but that doesn't invalidate my battles or struggles.

I feel like I'm ready to go, and some might say I don't understand the gravity of what I'm saying but it suffocating sometimes being alive. People expect, there's the constant performance of functioning, there's deadlines and things to meet up with. The worse part is the guilt of not appreciating your life enough. The guilt of feeling empty when nothing dramatic has happened. The guilt of not having a “good enough” reason to feel this way, but I do, and I really don't know why. Maybe it's the tiny disappointments, unmet expectations, unspoken emotions, unprocessed grief, or loneliness, I just don't know.

When I say, “I’m tired of being here,” what I mean is I just want things to feel lighter, and easier, I want to feel seen, I want to feel like my nervous system is in overdrive all the time, I want to be happy with trying or forcing myself, I want to look in the mirror and love who I am, I want to feel like I'm capable, I want to be able to handle minor inconveniences, I want to wake up without feeling tired, I want rest that goes deeper than just sleep. I want to exist without constantly bracing myself, without praying to just disappear because life is too much.

It's Abeegail 💗✨

Losing my spark

• Thanks for Reading ☺️

• All images used are mine